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The festive season can be a stressful time for anyone, especially so for those managing co-parenting and blended families.
Here, parents with lived experience; psychologist Dr Ahona Guha; and a spokesperson for the Council of Single Mothers and their Children (CSMC) offer their best tips for co-parenting at this time of year, from navigating tricky family dynamics to managing the season’s expectations and pace.
As a general note, these tips are for people with functional co-parenting relationships, not in cases where access to children is used as a weapon or where there is a history of family violence.
1. Communication is key
It is important to set expectations around time, gifts and extended family early. Depending on your circumstances, there are different approaches to take. Parent of two Lenine Bourke has a “set and forget” arrangement. “I share my eldest on Christmas Day and we do the same thing every year, meaning that it isn’t a point of contention or something we need to constantly negotiate.”
My co-parent is a chef and his busy schedule means that a fixed agreement wouldn’t work for us. We try to communicate openly and often on everything from who our son will spend time with to joint presents.
A spokesperson from the Council of Single Mothers and their Children (CSMC) suggests asking children for their input on what they’d like to do during the festive season too.
2. Centre the needs of children
Psychologist Dr Ahona Guha acknowledges the complexities of co-parenting while recommending focusing on children’s needs first. “Christmas can be a time of pressure. It can become a very stressful, very difficult time quite easily. But it’s more important for a child to have a low-stress, enjoyable time than for things to be rigidly adhered to.”
This will, of course, depend on any court orders and the type of relationship you have with your co-parent, but putting children first might mean that a parent misses out on seeing their children on Christmas Day, or it might prevent travelling to see extended family. Whatever the decision, try to keep things in perspective and remember that it won’t be this way forever – children grow up quickly.
3. Seek out low-stress opportunities for connection
If you are on good terms with your co-parent, schedule in some shared, casual activities. Bourke recommends anything “fun and neutral”. What you’re aiming for are “low-stress ways to make memories together”.
In the past I’ve celebrated the end of the school year with my co-parent and other families at parks and beer gardens. Group environments ensure that the focus isn’t on you and your co-parent getting along and these locations allow for movement and connection.
Bourke suggests taking a walk together to look at Christmas lights (neutral and festive), going to the cinema (you won’t have to communicate too much), or meeting for something fun like dessert, rather than a whole meal.
Doing something together, no matter how small, is an opportunity to celebrate wins. A spokesperson from the CSMC says: “If you have a functional co-parenting relationship, there’s been work put into creating that. It’s a nice time of year to celebrate that progress.”
4. Create new rituals
Recognising that Christmas isn’t just a singular day, and not wanting to disrupt this festive flow for his children, Tim created “FunXmas” (pronounced Funks-mas). Tim, his two children and his partner celebrate FunXmas the week after Christmas, every second year when he doesn’t have the kids over the festive period. This new ritual has evolved into a week of alternative Christmas cheer, complete with a Father FunXmas who delivers gifts. On FunXmas Eve each member of the family opens one gift, and on the day itself they celebrate with a special breakfast and a Christmas-style lunch with extended family. There’s even a replica Boxing Day, treated like a public holiday and a day of relaxation.
For Tim, this is about “creating our own rituals that aren’t secondary to Christmas”, which provide his children stability and a sense of belonging.
My stepmother developed her own Christmas ritual when she was a single parent by placing a wrapped bottle of Cointreau, “from a secret admirer”, under the tree for herself each year, much to the delight of her two young girls. This “enduring strategy” continues to this day, with someone always making sure she has her special gift from a secret admirer.
5. Prioritise balance
When my son was younger, he sometimes found large family gatherings difficult. He may have been overstimulated or just plain over it, but I also suspect that he found it challenging to spend time with nuclear families. We both benefited from factoring in frequent rest time.
Tim has had similar experiences, saying “the philosophy between two homes can be quite different, so there needs to be a period of adjustment for everyone, almost like for shift workers”. Creating balance might mean saying no to some things and learning to recognise triggers around times of transition.
For adults dealing with difficult family dynamics, try to prioritise balance and relaxation for yourself. Guha recommends naming difficult feelings and “making some emotional space” as well as scheduling in some self-care and fun activities for yourself.
6. Embrace ‘flexibility and fluidity’
No matter what you do, plans will be disrupted and conflict may arise. When things go wrong, Tim uses the mantra “be the river”.
“Our natural instinct may be to feel frustrated when plans are changed. But it’s important to be able to move on. Don’t let the historical affect the current moment,” he says.
Guha seconds this approach, reminding us that the holiday season, and life in general, is for living and pleasure. “Allow for a bit of flexibility and fluidity so people can actually enjoy themselves.”
7. Look outwards
Bourke recommends looking outwards as a means of alleviating some of the festive season pressure: “Even if you are struggling, you can reach out and help someone else.”
Organising a secret Santa or meal drop-off with other single parents are ways of solidifying networks of support.
Bourke also suggests making a joint donation from both households and involving older children where possible. “It’s a way of doing something meaningful and it helps build community and connection.”
