5 hours ago
4
The dilemma How can I feel less intimidated when talking to senior or pivotal people who might be good for my career? And feel less shame in the aftermath? I come from a working-class, immigrant background. I have risen through the ranks in my team and now have a lead role where I go to lots of meetings. I frequently suffer with impostor syndrome. I have seen people reach the top of their game just by being good at meetings, while I feel like I lack this skill, and now this job is more challenging.
I long to stay in my comfort zone in which I have lots of quiet time to do work rather than attend meetings. Though if I was to do that, I’d be taking a step down in my career. After talking to people I admire, I end up not sleeping and rerunning the conversation, annoyed at myself for my performance.
Separately, I have small children that often don’t sleep through the night. I never feel at my best at work because of this. Will attending meetings and building collaborations ever get easier? The mental load I have because of my background, the anxiety in the lead-up to meetings and the overthinking and shame I feel in the aftermath is exhausting.
Conversation was never a big thing in my family and I was never encouraged to speak out or express myself, especially as the youngest in the family. My mum’s words were often critical and harsh, and she has suffered from mental health issues. I wonder if this is contributing to the shame I feel and what can be done about it.
Philippa’s answer I’m not so sure impostor syndrome is entirely a bad thing. If you feel it, it means you are stretching your comfort zone, you are doing something new that you just aren’t used to yet, and these are good things to do. This is how we grow. Observe the voice saying whatever it is that your impostor syndrome tells you, but don’t take it too seriously. It doesn’t know what it’s talking about!
You’re not imagining the challenge of meetings. They’re a skill like any other and some people have had a lifetime of practice. If you didn’t grow up in an environment where conversation and self-expression were encouraged, no wonder it feels unnatural. But unnatural doesn’t mean impossible. It just means new.
That voice in your head telling you that you’re saying the wrong things, or not saying enough, or that everyone else is more at ease than you are, is not telling the truth. It’s just old echoes of growing up in a critical environment where confidence wasn’t nurtured. You are carrying a history that some of your colleagues aren’t; it doesn’t mean you’re not capable. It just means you must approach it differently.
You are very much not alone in this. The psychologist Erica Boothby noticed that she felt she had made a bad impression on a new person. Her partner, another psychologist, Gus Cooney, witnessed this encounter and he thought her exchange had been warm and friendly. They wondered whether this was a common experience for everyone. Do we consistently underestimate how much another person appreciates our presence or our input? They called this phenomenon the “liking gap”. It’s the gap between the impression we think we’ve made and the impression we actually make. Their subsequent studies showed that we humans consistently pessimistically underestimate how much other people appreciate us.
Right now, you’re exhausted: small children, broken sleep, a job that’s pushing you out of your comfort zone. Anyone would struggle in those conditions. This isn’t you failing, it is you surviving under pressure.
What if you changed the goal? Instead of expecting meetings to feel natural and effortless, what if the aim was just to tolerate the discomfort for now? Not to make it go away overnight, just to get through, knowing that over time it will get easier. What if, after a meeting, instead of replaying every word, you just said: “That was enough. I am enough. I did it. On to the next.” It will feel strange or even untrue when you say it. Never mind. The old voice is also untrue, it’s just that you’re used to it. Make the “I am enough” mantra more familiar and it will begin to feel true, and that will help your confidence.
You don’t have to feel like you belong in every room to make an impact in it. You just have to stay in the room. Keep showing up. Keep tolerating the discomfort. You might not have had parents who built your confidence, but you can build it in relationships with others, because the more you speak up, the more normal it will feel. Even if the self-doubt never fully goes away, it doesn’t have to run the show.
Recommended reading: The Laws of Connection by David Robson and The Book You Want Everyone You Love To Read (and Maybe a Few That You Don’t) by Philippa Perry
