3 hours ago
3
Last year, I was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. I have told a few people, but not my family, other than my brother, and I don’t know if I should. They live abroad.
I have a lot of unresolved childhood issues, which I’ve mostly been able to put aside. But the diagnosis is making it harder to deal with the hurt, resentment and unfairness of it all.
I was brought up by an alcoholic dad who was barely functioning and, as the eldest daughter and “woman” of the family, I seem to have taken the role of carer for my brother, my dad, and myself. My parents separated when I was eight, after years of arguments. My mother then spent most of the rest of my childhood in psychiatric care and needed to be dealt with sensitively. Our extended family wouldn’t touch us with a barge pole; we were “undesirable”.
My 20s were a time of adjustment: I experienced a lot of self-harming behaviour but somehow managed to make a life for myself. Still, my personal life has been a disaster: I have been single for 15 years.
For the past 30 years, my dad has lived a new life: he has a new family and doesn’t drink any more. He’s never spoken of his drinking, never apologised. Conversation closed.
I have a career, a house, and incredible friends, but I have been hurt every year by my dad and his partner. Distance and time means I can just about manage it. Cutting all relations would jeopardise my dad’s mental health, so we all pretend. And I keep going back, each year seeking approval.
I thought of telling them about the cancer, then hesitated, and when I told my brother my hesitation made sense. He said: “Don’t tell them, they will say something hurtful.” He’s right, of course, whether a mean, innocuous comment from his partner or a random comment from my dad, I’m sure I would end up hurt.
My mum, a hopeless religious zealot who believes everything we do is commensurate with our amount of praying, would make the link with my very clear denigration of the church and religion. Do I break all links and focus on myself? Would I be able to live with the worry and guilt?
I am so sorry for everything you’ve gone through and are going through.
I went to UKCP-registered psychotherapist Helen Gilbert. She was struck by how self aware you are and how you understand how your childhood has had an effect on your adult life. “I sense the cancer diagnosis may have brought up the feelings of anger and unfairness about the care you didn’t receive as a child and the need to parent your own parents.”
Your longer letter hinted at a feeling of unfairness at how your father has moved on and now lives his life with no apparent fallout from the way he treated you. And few things bring out feelings of unfairness like a serious illness. I think there’s part of all of us that believes good will always outmatch evil, and yet here you are with such a heavy burden while others “[seem to] get off without any consequences,” suggested Gilbert.
Gilbert also wondered if your relationship with your brother “could offer you any solace or support. Is there potential for this relationship to be strengthened while you stay in low contact with your parents?”
You absolutely do not need to tell your parents anything you don’t want to. I fear you are looking for them to be different to how they have been and I wonder how you will react if they aren’t. What do you want to achieve and are you likely to achieve this?
I wouldn’t rush into anything without careful thought and talking it through with someone. This could be a really good friend, Macmillan Support or seeking out a psychotherapist who you get on with and/or who specialises in cancer support (look for oncology psychotherapists).
I imagine you are now wondering who will parent you at this difficult time? Is there someone in your circle already who makes you feel safe and could fulfil a “parental role”? And remember – you can change your mind at any time and tell your family. From now on it really is all about you.
Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to [email protected]. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
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