23 hours ago
10
My first encounter with Broadway actor Jonathan Groff was innocuous. Stuck in the wilds of Donegal for two weeks as part of teacher training, I listened to Broadway musicals while the rest of the lads watched the Gaelic fixtures and got drunk. I stumbled upon the recent production of Merrily We Roll Along with Jonathan Groff and Daniel Radcliffe and like most of the internet, I became obsessed.
Afterwards, I went down a Groff rabbit hole tracking down interviews and cast recordings. I was drawn to how bubbly he was, how smiley he was. Groff had a joyous energy that was infectious. His voice was like melted chocolate. I both loved – and envied – his calmness and his openness to the world.
I could never say the same about myself. Ever since I was small, I’ve had a stammer. It ruled my life for a long time. I couldn’t make phone calls or ask for things in shops. I couldn’t stand up for myself or even say my name properly. Young children would laugh at me and well-meaning adults would pat me on the shoulder and finish my sentences. Going through life, I never really felt that people knew me. I had a sense of humour, but people never saw it. I had opinions but I could never articulate them, even though the words were bubbling in my head.
I’d often come home from a day of teaching and be relieved that I could finally feel in control of myself and not, as I jokingly called myself ‘Porky Pig having a stroke.’ Teaching with a stammer was humiliating. My mouth was sore at the end of every day and I felt defeated because the kids could never understand me.
After failing teacher training, my therapist suggested to me that I register for something called the McGuire Programme to learn a new way of speaking. Apparently, it changed lives. I was sceptical: hadn’t we discussed that my stammer was emotional, a by-product of my anxiety from childhood trauma? What was a breathing technique going to do? Nevertheless, I signed up for the next course in Reading.
The night before my flight was hellish. I couldn’t sleep. I had horrible stomach and back pains, and I was running to the loo to vomit every half hour. My body was clearly resisting. I was taken by fear and was considering ringing up the director the next day to tell him I couldn’t do it. Luckily, at that moment, I flicked open YouTube and immediately gravitated to an unwatched interview with Jonathan Groff.
He was being asked about what inspired him to come out of the closet, why he didn’t do it sooner. Groff explained that he was worried about the impact on his career, but that falling in love and being loved gave him the strength to come out. There, at 3am, I felt something shift. There was a warm feeling inside. Maybe, just maybe, I could have that strength too …
The McGuire programme was tough. Running from 8am until 10pm for four days, it saw us spend hours doing breathing exercises and saying our name. It was gruelling – but it worked. On the final day of the programme, we were tasked with talking to 100 strangers and disclosing our stammer. As someone with anxiety, this was nerve-racking. But what surprised me was that strangers were open. Strangers were kind. Strangers were understanding. For the first time in my life, I could be myself. I was making jokes, introducing myself, being assertive, being sarcastic, all the things I never thought I could be. Like Groff, being accepted and loved made me feel free.
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That evening, I looked out at the moon and stars and felt that I was starting my life anew. I felt slightly queasy with joy, thinking about the possibilities now that I had control of my speech. I thought of when I first heard Groff in Merrily. Looking up at the moon, his character Franklin Shepard, sings, “It’s our time, breathe it in. Worlds to change and worlds to win.”
Indeed, I feel that it is now, my time. Although I still have work to do on my stammer, I’m lighter within myself and doing things I never thought I could. Taking drama classes, talking on the phone, asking people for directions. I’m no longer feeling ashamed but ready to step out into the world and be myself.
