My dad gave me the sex talk at 27. It was one of the best conversations of my life | Wing Kuang

1 week ago 12

Sitting in a cafe in Sydney recently, I heard a line that I would never have expected to hear from Dad, a dull, quiet, introverted Chinese man in his late 60s who can be quite conservative and stubborn, especially when it comes to dating.

“When you hang out with boys and go on dates, don’t forget to use condoms to protect yourself.”

Looking serious, he went on to tell me that using protection can not only prevent pregnancy, but also sexually transmitted infections. “When I was in my 20s, a colleague of mine in the factory met a woman …”

I didn’t follow the love life of Dad’s ex-colleague as I was still in shock that Dad, who turned 68 last year, had just given me a sex education talk. I was 27 years old, and I had been on and off in the dating world for years. Wasn’t it a bit too late to teach me the importance of condoms?

I know how challenging it is for Dad to even mention the word “condom” in front of me. Despite the rapidly developing internet culture and social progression in China, sex is still a taboo for my parents’ generation. Nor was there adequate sex education in China when I was growing up. The only time we would touch on the topic of sex was year 8 biology class, when we were taught about reproduction and pregnancy from a medical perspective. Dating was seen as a disturbance to academic progress in many Chinese schools, and harsh punishments – including suspension – could be imposed if a student got caught.

But just like other teenagers curious about their bodies and the world, I was good at finding what I wanted to learn on the internet. My elder brother, who once saw my search history, complained about this to my parents. But since they still had to turn to me for technological support, there was little way my baby boomer parents could stop my secret navigation into the world of love and intimacy.

As I got older, the consequences of lacking a comprehensive education about sex and relationships gradually emerged as I began navigating romance. I did later learn about safe sex and sexual consent, as well as big topics such as domestic violence and sexual abuse.

But I didn’t have enough resources to master the skill set embedded in the principles of Respectful Relationships Education programs that are now rolled out across Australia: to develop and maintain positive and healthy relationships with those around them.

In the past four years, I have failed to pick up red flags of toxic relationships while, in the eyes of some ex-dates, I was the problem.

I assume my parents, who have heard so much about my heartbreaks over the phone in China, had been planning to have some conversations with me. For instance, Mum once told me that before marrying Dad, she went on dates with him for three years yet didn’t find out Dad was a heavy smoker until they got married. Shocked at first, she decided to accept Dad fully, including the hobby she disliked. Mum said she didn’t know the “fashionable” way or “the right word” to summarise what she meant but I knew her message.

In fact, since I began reporting on sex education in 2021, I have encountered many parents from culturally and linguistically diverse communities who told me they wanted to talk about sex and dating with their children after the national sexual consent campaign led by Chanel Contos. However, many struggled to find resources for themselves to prepare for the talk.

And, on many occasions, CALD parents and sex educators found they have to challenge the conservative stereotype of CALD communities, so that they can secure funding and resources from governments and schools. It was assumed that CALD parents would feel offended if it was found their children learn about sex and dating at school. However, what I had been told by sex educators and parents of various cultural communities is that sometimes they wanted the school to also give them a workshop, so that they could continue the sex education talks at home.

Looking back, I wish I’d had more conversations about love and intimacy with my parents. But it’s not too late. I am still exploring the dating scene and I would love to learn more about and from my parents. I’m not sure if we would bring up the topics of condoms again at our next dinner but I know many years later, when talking about my parents, I will recall that on a sunny afternoon in a Sydney cafe my parents and I had one of the best conversations in life.