4 hours ago
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Shortly before he arrived in Évian at the beginning of the week, Emmanuel Macron set up a new WhatsApp group for world leaders. Keir Starmer wasn’t included. Call it the G6, if you like. The idea was to have a safe space to discuss how best to deal with the UK prime minister. Should they confront head-on that this was going to be his last G7? That next year’s outing would be an athleisure occasion with Andy Burnham (T-shirts just a tad on the small size)? Should they club together to buy him a leaving present? A French World Cup football shirt signed by all of them?
Or was it best not to mention it at all? Just proceed on the basis that this was a perfectly normal occasion and they would all soon be meeting again at another global get-together. Nothing to see here. A quick competition for a photo opportunity with President Zelenskyy, a few jokes, promises to make the world a better place and then everyone goes home without acknowledging that Keir is about to get booted out of their select club. At least Starmer was bringing his wife, Victoria. Maybe she would get to say a few goodbyes.
None of this was resolved by the time Starmer arrived in the French Alps. Though, like many other leaders faced with imminent eviction, Keir seemed to be dealing with the situation with blanket denial. A man trying to cement his legacy while insisting that it was far too soon for his legacy to be written. Both of which were equally pointless. All prime ministers seem to have a mental block when it comes to their departure. What they fail to understand is that their legacy is not theirs to write. It will be written for them.
“I am going to fight on,” Starmer insisted when British journalists were rude enough to ruin the magic and haul him back to reality. Keir was going to run the UK for ever and ever. Well, at least until the next election. But probably well beyond. He had never heard of this Andy Burnside person everyone was talking about. Remind me? Whoever he was, he was clearly a man of little consequence. Keir had spent his whole life being underestimated and he was going to fight and win against this nonentity. Everyone agreed that he was the best man to lead the country.
None of the G6 could quite bring themselves to look Starmer in the eye after they had overheard these exchanges. His delusion was more deep-rooted than they had feared. Perhaps it was best to pretend that nothing had happened. Macron had a quick word with Donald Trump. Would the US president mind having a quick chat with the UK prime minister? Something to make Starmer feel a bit special. He looked as though he needed cheering up.
“I’m sorry I won’t be seeing you again,” said The Donald over coffee, having already forgotten his instructions. Thank God he had aced those cognitive function tests. No US president had ever been so good at his five times table. “Why?” asked a puzzled Keir. “Where are you going? Are you planning on standing down after the midterm elections?” Now it was the president’s turn to look confused. There was an awkward silence while both men collected their thoughts.
Eventually, Trump chose to change the subject. He had just secured the best peace ever in the war against Iran, he said. All his objectives had been met. A total capitulation on behalf of the Iranians. Everything would go back to pretty much how it had been before the war had started. Apart from Israel continuing to attack Lebanon. It had been $325bn well spent, restoring a status quo that had been working well up until the time he had realised it might be working too well. That was the thing about The Donald. He was so sharp, he was always several steps ahead of even the sharpest minds in the room.
Keir nodded. This was indeed a turning point in the history of the world. This was America’s finest hour since Nixon had declared victory over Vietnam. It must have been such a disappointment for Donald not to have fought in the tunnels of Cu Chi. If only he hadn’t managed to avoid being drafted five times. It was surely only a matter of time before he was awarded the Nobel peace prize for ending the war that he himself had started. Not many people got to put that on their CV. Perhaps he would now like to turn his mind towards helping to end the conflict in Ukraine. After all, he was announcing sanctions for which Burnham would get the credit.
“Maybe I could do that,” said Trump. Starting by not obviously supporting Vladimir Putin. First, though, that strait of Hormuz wasn’t going to unblock itself. The world would be so grateful to him for ending months of economic instability that he had failed to anticipate when he had started bombing Iran. Though he could use some help.
Starmer eagerly promised that the UK would do whatever it could. Though that wasn’t very much, as our defence capability was already overstretched and we only had a couple of rubber dinghies in the area. Thank goodness the defence investment plan was going so well. Keir had to admit he had played a blinder. Pages of positive news stories over the resignation of John Healey, only to then tell reporters he was keeping the new defence secretary, Dan Jarvis, in the loop. Things had never been so good.
What Keir could promise was a few posts on the government’s X account, warning Iran not to attack any oil tankers. And talking of social media, Starmer was thrilled to tell Trump that he was planning to ban all access for over-80s. It had come to his attention that some octogenarians were up most of the night posting vile content to which no one should be exposed. It wasn’t good for their mental health. And there would be firm safeguards in place to make sure people didn’t pretend to be younger than they were.
Trump and Starmer parted company with a handshake and a promise from Keir to take part in a cage fight with Pete “The Halfwit” Hegseth. That just left time for one last Starmer brainwave. Exterminate all Dartmoor ponies. A guaranteed vote-winner. There was nothing the British public liked more than an equine massacre. Andy Burnley would never think of that.
“J’adore un cheval burger,” said Macron. Starmer’s thank you present was sorted.
