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During Wednesday’s prime minister’s questions, Keir Starmer said the Conservative party was heading for brain-dead oblivion. The very next day, the Tories screamed: “Hold my beer. You ain’t seen nothing yet.” They seem to look on the prime minister’s description as a challenge. One to which they are determined to rise.
Forget Ukraine and Gaza. Forget the growth and immigration figures. Come Thursday morning, the most pressing question on the minds of the shadow paymaster general, Richard Holden, and other Conservative MPs was their outrage that Downing Street would not be flying the Middlesex flag on Friday to mark Middlesex Day.
Never mind that Middlesex barely exists any more. Never mind that almost no one but a few supporters of Middlesex county cricket club could even recognise the Middlesex flag. Never mind that only about two people can even see the Downing Street flagpole, let alone care what flag it is flying. This was a major snub to the Middlesex regiment and its part in the Battle of Albuera during the peninsula war. A date that was on everyone’s mind. Clearly.
“Keir Starmer would rather hoist the white flag of surrender,” thundered the increasingly unhinged Holden. Not a day goes by when he does not thank his stars for the defeat of Napoleon. Yet another foreigner trying to subjugate the plucky Brits. Just like the EU. Give me strength. This was a stunt so ludicrous it was beneath even Reform. The Tories sometimes wonder why they are no longer taken seriously by most of the country. They need wonder no more.
While the Conservatives were having their very public psychiatric breakdown, Starmer was otherwise engaged on the latest round of his “island of strangers” immigration tour. If it’s Thursday, it must be Tirana, where he was off to meet the 6ft 7in Albanian prime minister, Edi Rama, for a bilateral meeting and a press conference. The difference in height between the two men was marked. Keir looked as if he was standing in a hole and was struggling to see over the lectern.
This was the first time a UK prime minister had visited Albania and Rama was keen to express his gratitude. It was an honour, he said, and he was looking forward to ever closer ties between the two countries. Though maybe not quite as close as Keir would have liked, because Edi was keen to point out that Albania was not open to being used as a returns processing hub for other countries’ unwanted asylum seekers and illegal immigrants.
The relationship with Italy was a one-off, Rama said. One forged out of a special relationship between the two countries. A geographical and emotional intensity. He was too polite to mention that the deal had also stalled in the Italian courts. No point in upsetting anyone. So his ties with Giorgia Meloni were like a marriage. And he wasn’t looking for any one-night stands with the Brits. Or anyone else, for that matter.
This seemed to come as a bit of a surprise to Starmer. The simultaneous translation feed faded in and out and he tapped his earpiece to make sure he had heard correctly. Unfortunately for him, he had. Most members of the media had been led to believe that one of the objectives of this first trip to Albania was to secure the outlines of a deal for a returns hub. This was all part of the government’s immigration express, after all. Now everything was rather more confused. Surely the UK prime minister hadn’t come to Albania a day ahead of the European Political Community summit just for a schmooze and to express solidarity over Ukraine?
It rather looked as though Keir had done just that. Sounding rather more keen about returns hubs than he ever had in opposition – he’s desperate to offload immigrants somewhere – Starmer went into waffle mode. He was talking to other countries about returns hubs. Just not Albania. That had never been on his list. Oh no. Though he couldn’t say exactly which countries he had in mind. But fingers crossed and all that.
Rama looked as if he was beginning to enjoy himself. This was all going a lot better than expected. Now he turned up the heat. Yes, there had been a high point of 12,000 Albanians arriving illegally in the UK via small boats in 2022. But thanks to cooperation between the two countries that figure had been cut by 95%. So there were hardly any Albanians making the trip these days. So there was no problem. Only, there was for Keir. He hadn’t come to Tirana to praise the efforts of the previous government in cutting illegal migration. But that was rather what he was forced to do. Though not in quite so many words. It had all been a lucky coincidence.
The presser ended with an Albanian journalist demanding an apology from the Brits for our politicians’ negative portrayal of Albanians as all criminals. Edi came to the rescue. It had only been some – viz Suella Braverman – he observed. And she and the Tories had got their comeuppance at the ballot box last July. So no hard feelings. Keir smiled gratefully.
Edi continued. Surely now was the time to celebrate the 100,000 Albanians who had legally settled in the UK and who paid their taxes and had integrated into society. Keir smiled less gratefully. A successful immigration story was not on the government’s news grid. He was in Albania to talk about Britain’s squalid history of immigration in the last 14 years. The incalculable damage that foreigners had done to the country. Having to be nice wasn’t part of the script. He headed off to lunch. You win some, you lose some. Perhaps no one had been watching.
Having a rather better day was Rachel Reeves. It’s been one long run of bad news for the chancellor since last July, but on Thursday she learned that growth had risen unexpectedly by 0.7% in the first quarter of the year. So she was out and about, telling anyone who would listen. Fastest-growing economy in the G7. Everything was fine. Top of the world, Ma. One in the eye for the Tories and Reform for talking the country down. Rachel should enjoy it while it lasts. With the imposition of tariffs, the next quarter is unlikely to look so rosy.
