15 hours ago
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Doug, 35
It was like we’d pressed a reset button on our relationship
When I met Maggie on a night out 10 years ago, I fancied her instantly. Even though she kissed my friend that night, I didn’t let that stop me pursuing her. I liked how different she was from everyone I’d known growing up. She was so kind. And hot. My friends would ask what it was like to have sex with someone so attractive – I felt validated by the fact she’d chosen to be with me. It was a rush. This strong physical attraction translated into the bedroom – I couldn’t imagine getting into bed with her and not wanting to have sex.
Naturally, this initial intensity dulled over time. The lustful honeymoon period never lasts for ever – but then your relationship transforms into something else. We both have stressful jobs, and our periods of peak work stress are rarely aligned, so we almost take turns in the roles of the initiator and the rejected. At these times, sex can feel political, with us both thinking, “I initiated last time so I’m not doing it again.” New environments, like going on holiday, bring the energy back into our sex life, but then everyday stresses mean this doesn’t last when we return. We will be home for a day, and already sex will seem out of reach.
There is a rare genetic condition in my family, which I’d mentally pushed aside until Maggie and I decided to have kids. If my dad had the gene, I probably would too, and so could my children. The day we found out that he didn’t, Maggie and I had incredible sex. It was as though an unbelievable weight had been lifted and we’d pressed a reset button on our relationship. We could start trying to get pregnant without worrying about passing it on, and my dad and I would not develop the disease.
Trying for a baby has reinvigorated our sex life. We’re having sex much more frequently, but it’s also opened up communication around sex. Before, we wouldn’t acknowledge it if we hadn’t had sex for ages, but if that happens again, we’ll be able to talk more openly about it. Which, from what I’ve heard about the effect having kids has on your sex life, will come in useful.
Maggie, 34
We now have sex twice a day around the time I’m ovulating
Doug is the first proper boyfriend I’ve had. When I was in my early 20s, after nights out we’d have drunken sex in his childhood bed in his family home. Going for breakfast the morning after was the first time we’d hung out sober. I was nervous because I liked him so much. It felt special from the start.
after newsletter promotion
When we moved in together four years ago, we started having sex less and less. I was trying for a promotion for two of those years, and when I’m feeling anxious, sex is the last thing on my mind. But instead of communicating that, I retreat into myself, shutting Doug out. There were also periods when Doug was stressed and didn’t feel like having sex, so I felt rejected. When he was worried about the genetic disease, we weren’t having much sex, which pushed us apart. It got to a point last year where we said, “We need to talk about this,” and since then we’ve got better at telling each other how we’re feeling.
The day we got the results was the best day. It’s the happiest I’ve ever felt. It brought us closer and we started spending more time together. Life suddenly felt stress-free. Eight months later, we started trying for a baby, which has improved our sex life. We now have sex twice a day when I’m ovulating. After ovulation, we don’t have sex for a few days, but we still have sex for pleasure. It’s not all about getting pregnant, although that excitement means the sex we’re having is more adventurous – in different rooms, at different times of day. We wake up and have morning sex, so ironically, even though sex is more organised, it’s encouraged us to step out of our routine.
We’ve been trying for five months, and I do feel disappointed when I get my period. I worry that if we struggle to get pregnant this energy won’t last, or it could become a new source of anxiety. But I think having kids will make us even closer, and being a dad will bring out a whole new side to Doug that will make me fancy him even more.
