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Harry* dreaded the weeks leading up to Christmas. He felt overwhelmed by the cacophony of carols, decorations and well-wishes from strangers. But moreover, he anxiously awaited the inevitable question: what are your plans for Christmas?
In the midst of a loneliness epidemic, it’s no surprise Christmas is a challenging time for many. The heavy focus on family events and relationships can compound feelings of loneliness and isolation, especially for people experiencing complex family dynamics or estrangement, bereavement, “empty-nesting” or separation and divorce.
Cost-of-living stress and end-of-year work pressures also contribute to Christmas being a time of malaise rather than merry-making.
Harry’s distress was deepened by a colleague’s month-long commentary about Christmas. Her complaints – a hectic social calendar, kids’ end-of-year school activities, competing Christmas Day lunch invitations, the expense of dozens of gifts –served as a reminder that for Harry that Christmas was typified not by togetherness and cheer but isolation and sadness.
His reticence around Christmas was understandable. Childhood Christmases were tense and miserly, owing to his parents’ marital discord, financial strain and geographical distance from extended family. University friends provided holiday companionship during early adulthood, but Christmas become an increasingly solitary affair as friends married and created traditions with families of their own.
For Harry, Christmas was an annual spotfire. Riding a rollercoaster of anxiety and low mood, he willed the season to pass quickly while also feeling sad for another Christmas wasted. He found himself in a familiar situation each year – isolated, yet feeling it was too late to make Christmas a different experience.
Harry was certainly feeling the pang of Christmas loneliness, but we agreed his distress wasn’t unique to December, nor to this particular year. Similar feelings arose around his birthday and other significant days. For Harry, Christmas magnified other times in his life when he felt forgotten, isolated or lonely.
Therapy required a multifaceted approach. First, a plan to alleviate acute distress about Christmas. Second, consideration of Christmas in future years. We focused on three aspects of Christmas: past, present and future.
Challenging assumptions about Christmas
First, we explored Harry’s thoughts about Christmas. Like many of us, his image of Christmas was more Hallmark than reality. He idealised Christmas as perfect and enjoyable for everyone but himself.
We evaluated and challenged further thoughts about Christmas: “There are rules around what should happen at Christmas”, “There’s something wrong with me if I spend Christmas alone”, “Everyone else loves Christmas, and therefore I should, too”, and “People only invite me to their Christmas events out of pity”.
At some level, he held hope for a Christmas season similarly busy to that detailed by his colleague. But given Harry’s family history and current personal circumstances, this was unrealistic. Being hooked on this idea triggered feelings of sadness and inadequacy, as he blamed himself for not being able to fulfil the Christmas ideal.
Here, we also acknowledged the difficulties of Christmases past, allowing space to grieve the idea that those times could have been different.
Strategies for this Christmas
Devising strategies around Christmas was a necessary but not sufficient part of therapy. Harry had spent enough Christmases alone to know available options – accept a Christmas Day invitation from friends, volunteer at the local soup kitchen, attend his neighbourhood pub’s annual “orphan’s Christmas lunch” or spend the day on a solo activity such as a hike. Revisiting these possibilities was important to provide some relief from anxiety about this year’s Christmas, but was unlikely to alleviate Harry’s longer-term distress.
Working towards new Christmas experiences
Therapeutic work beyond strategies to manage the current Christmas would be required for Harry to have a different Christmas experience in future years. Encouraging Harry to challenge his assumptions of Christmas brought a more balanced view, allowing space to think about creating new narratives and fresh ideas. In doing so, we identified Harry’s values around Christmas; not prone to materialism, he sought to prioritise social connection, inclusion and kindness.
Social connectedness next Christmas would be dependent on establishing and maintaining social relationships during the coming year. This included plans to reinvigorate his social life through meet-up groups, reconnecting with old friends and joining community groups. He accepted an invitation for this year’s Christmas Eve celebrations, challenging his assumption that such invitations were extended only out of pity.
Harry was also able to reframe his notion of spending time alone at Christmas as an indication of rejection or defectiveness. He recognised his quieter personality and tendency towards introversion, noting he wanted to balance socialising with others with time to rest and recuperate.
Therapy with Harry was by no means a panacea for his Christmas dread. While some gains were made, his deep-seated distress would be difficult to shake. Avoiding comparisons with others and challenging his own assumptions around Christmas was key to making the best of this and future holiday seasons.
*Harry is a fictitious amalgam to exemplify similar cases
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In Australia, support is available at Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636 and Lifeline on 13 11 14. In the UK, the charity Mind is available on 0300 123 3393. Other international helplines can be found at befrienders.org
