3 hours ago
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I’m very fond of steamed vegetables with lemon and black pepper. When I was pregnant, my loving partner took it upon himself to cook for me. We didn’t have any lemons. We did have kiwis. He proudly presented me with a dish of broccoli and kiwi. And, in his wisdom, he decided to boil the sliced kiwi with the broccoli, for rather longer than was necessary. His hope (he explained later) was that the broccoli would become “infused” with the kiwi flavour. Strangely, the opposite happened. The meal was rather bland, overcooked broccoli accompanied by broccoli-flavoured semi-transparent kiwi mush. My partner maintains he is a “visionary” aligned with Heston Blumenthal. I continue to disagree. Liz, Bath
I had bought my first home as a young soldier. I was a physical training instructor so invited the rest of the gym team to my house for a veggie lasagne. It was the first meal I’d cooked from a recipe and I thought two cloves of garlic meant two bulbs. Cue the amazing smells, mostly garlic, for some reason. I served it with much panache to the guys. Then watched their faces as they and their taste buds slowly died inside. Still oblivious, I tucked into mine only to experience my soul leave my body and look down on a lot of people drinking as much fluid as possible. Paul, 65, wildlife photographer, Powys, Cymru
I was about 35 and had had an entire bottle of white wine when it was time to start dinner. I was at the stage when the wine goes into the pot of mussels, along with the garlic and shallots, when I realised I had drunk the only bottle of white wine in the house. So, like any drunken cooking novice, I substituted red wine and continued. I quickly realised after adding the cream why the recipe called for white wine. What I had in front of me was a skillet full of Pepto-Bismol and mussels. Anonymous
As a young lad, I baked a chocolate cake during a wet afternoon. I couldn’t find the cocoa until I happened across an unlabelled tub with brown powder in it. My sense of smell isn’t great. Anyway, my old man thoroughly enjoyed the slice of gravy cake he had and went back for seconds. Craig Dawson, Burscough, Lancashire
We used to get an organic vegetable box delivered. We got one that contained rhubarb. I dislike rhubarb but my wife is a fan, so I made her a lovely rhubarb crumble and served it with much fanfare. The rhubarb turned out to be chard. It was left uneaten after the first bite. Andy Fletcher, IT, London
My son was bringing his future wife to a family dinner and I thought my suggestion of spaghetti bolognese was safe enough. As usual, I left it to the last minute and realised there was no mince in the fridge, or tomato puree, or canned tomatoes. However, there was a bunch of homegrown brussels sprouts. I ended up serving brussels sprouts on a bed of pasta shells with ketchup. My lads tucked in, but my future daughter-in-law asked for a cheese sandwich. Margaret Sully, retired, London
This was a meal my husband made early on in our relationship. I think he was trying to impress me with his culinary prowess. He cooked pork loin. He wanted to make a sauce to accompany it. We had pineapple, a potential contender in place of apple. He added garlic – not highly unusual, and it probably would have worked had he not decided to thicken the sauce with banana. He didn’t taste the sauce and drenched the beautifully cooked pork in this monstrosity. It was the vilest thing we have ever eaten. It did not put me off and we got engaged shortly after, but I do most of the cooking now. Amy, 39, occupational therapist, Northampton
In my early 20s, I invited two friends over for lunch and decided to make mac and cheese. I made a roux with the last of the flour I had but added far too much liquid and ended up with a thin gruel. Panicking, I thought I needed to thicken this mess. Glancing around the kitchen I saw porridge oats. Porridge starts thin and thickens so surely it would do the job in a roux? Well, yes and no. The resulting mush was barely edible. My guests ate in silence until one piped up: “Porridge and pasta?” We abandoned the meal and went to the pub. Andrew Kemp, 70, retired, Nottingham
I made a spaghetti bolognese following a Tom Kerridge recipe I’d found online to the letter. I remember thinking it was eccentric, but the best recipes are. There was a typo in the ingredients list. I ended up adding 10 times too much demerara sugar. My wife compared it to eating meaty candy floss. I didn’t think it was too bad, but she still shudders when she sees brown sugar. Or spaghetti bolognese. Or Tom Kerridge. Neil, 42, creative director, Bromley, south-east London
I left home at 17 and just lived off ready meals. I thought I could impress a vegetarian girl who was coming over by cooking tofu, which I’d never tasted before. I bought a block of silken tofu (I didn’t know there was any other type) and put it in the frying pan, with nothing else apart from a splash of oil. It fell apart and tasted of nothing. I knew no better than to plate it up with plain white rice, boiled broccoli, and a miserly sprinkle of soy sauce. The doorbell went. She was here. But I couldn’t serve it to her because it looked hideous and tasted of nothing. I didn’t have much money, so I looked at what was in the (pretty bare) cupboard. I eventually served her spaghetti drowned in tinned cream of tomato soup and a dash of black pepper. I didn’t get a second date. Ian, 39, senior social government officer, Leeds
My partner spent hours slow-cooking a vegetarian cottage pie using Quorn mince. Despite her best efforts (red wine, dark chocolate etc), the “mince” was a bit bland, so she searched for some umami to give the pie some depth. We didn’t have any Lea & Perrins so she turned to, in her mind, the next best thing – a tin of anchovies. The fishy/meaty filling was highly disconcerting and was aptly christened Seagull Pie. Barty, 29, carpenter, Bristol
I was making Mexican mole, a delicious mixture of many ingredients including dark chocolate. After mixing and mashing almonds, garlic, chillies and other things into a pungent delight, I realised I had no dark chocolate, so I went to buy some. I couldn’t find any so I bought milk chocolate. What could possibly go wrong? Well, everything. It was awful! But I couldn’t throw it all away now. So I added it to a cake mix. It had chocolate and almonds in it, didn’t it? The cake came out of the oven, and my friend and I tried it together … and it was terrible. My friend was nearly sick and it ended up in the kitchen bin. Don’t ever use milk chocolate in mole, and never use bad mole in a cake! Adrian Keith Burton, Spain
I was cooking for 11 people and decided to do a big gruyere risotto. I’d done this dish plenty of times to very good reviews. However, I started cooking this after having had a few beers at the pub with the friends I was cooking for. I quickly realised that I had no stock cubes. I proceeded to pour in a whole bottle of wine that I was drinking. After adding in some grated gruyere, I needed more liquid. In went a second bottle of wine. And then a third. After three bottles of white wine and heaps of gruyere, this was starting to smell very funky. Now fresh out of white wine and the risotto getting drier by the second, I poured a bottle of rosé in. When I tasted this monstrosity, I walked out of my house and cried. My friends tried to eat it, but it was a fruitless endeavour. We dubbed it the “ethanol risotto”. Cathal McGuinness, 26, civil service, Dublin, Ireland
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