4 hours ago
5
Even Kemi Badenoch’s closest friends know to give her a wide berth in the mornings. Especially her closest friends. They know what’s good for them. Sometimes absence is an act of friendship. Intimacy by proxy.
Mornings are when Kemi is at her worst. Up at 6.30am, checking her phone for the latest culture war. Six double espressos. Then she’s ready to get out of bed. Anyone who crosses her path gets swatted away. Don’t even think of offering her a granola bar. An hour of bog standard policing to follow. Making sure the right people go to the right toilet. Ready to pick an argument with anyone.
So it was a shock to find KemiKaze on the 8.15am sofa slot on Good Morning Britain. Which of her minders had let her loose at that time of day? It was even more of a shock to discover that she was almost charming. Non-combative, even. You wouldn’t go so far as saying Kemi was friendly. She hasn’t had a personality transplant. Her private hell is other people. But she didn’t hit anyone. Didn’t start a fight. Was more or less human.
She had taken the job of leader of the Conservative party in the belief she could make a difference. That she was the one who could halt the party’s decline. Nearly six months on and Kemi was nearly out of ideas. Nothing she had tried had worked. Turned out that voters weren’t prepared to forgive the Tories quite so quickly. Their eyes didn’t light up at the sound of toxic arguments. They actually just wanted to feel as if things were getting better. When they weren’t.
Now she could sense her time was running out. Robert Jenrick was positioning himself in the wings. Openly campaigning to replace her. Not even polite enough to be subtle about it. You know what? Let him try. Let’s see if he can come up with any ideas that the country will reject. She had had a go. No one could take “leader of the opposition” off her CV. And in truth, she had never really been up for it. You’d need to be a madwoman to take on a job for which you had been set up to fail.
GMB presenter Susanna Reid started off by talking about potential coalitions between the Tories and Reform. How nervous are you about notching up hundreds of losses? Given that Kemi appeared to be nodding off already, it was no surprise that she wasn’t that bothered at all.
When everything bad already appears to have happened, you get a bit blase about local election results. She had already priced in the certainty the Tories were going to have a disastrous Thursday. Bring it on. It wasn’t personal. The voters didn’t hate her. Well, not much. They just hated the Conservatives a whole lot more.
Kemi shrugged as Susanna tried to tease something – anything – out of her. Please, just say something, her eyes begged. It’s how interviews work. She asks the questions and then Kemi gives an answer. Anything would do. Just the structure of a conversation would be a start.
“We are fighting every seat,” said KemiKaze eventually. Technically this is true. She just didn’t specify how strongly the Tories would be fighting. Then came the expectation management. Four years ago the Conservatives had been riding high in the polls. Now they were tanking hideously. She tried to correct herself. This wasn’t about the opinion polls – it had just been a coincidence the Tories had done so well in 2021. And it certainly wasn’t about immigration. It was all about who you trusted to run local services. Dream on. If that was the case, no one would be voting Reform.
Now it was Ed Balls’s turn. He too wanted to know how Kemi was feeling. Are you OK? Are you enjoying yourself? It was all going a bit Amol Rajan on University Challenge. For a moment, Kemi almost rallied. How do you think I’m feeling? I’m feeling like shit. People told me not to take the job and they were right. The only crumb of comfort was the counterfactual notion that the Tories might have been doing even worse without her.
Kemi did spark vaguely to life when asked about the supreme court ruling on biological sex. “I was right all along,” she yelled, punching the air. As far as she was concerned, trans people could use a disabled toilet. And if there wasn’t one anywhere near they could just hang on till they got home.
The interview ended with Ed mentioning the J word. Why was she putting up with Jenrick so obviously campaigning against her? Because she didn’t care. He would fail. Just like she had. Good luck to him. Honest Bob was a loyal member of her team. Inasmuch as anyone in her team was loyal. Never mind. It would all be over soon.
Meanwhile Keir Starmer was campaigning in the north-west. Though not in Runcorn where a byelection will be held. Nothing could better show just how desperate the prime minister is to hold on to Runcorn than his absence from it. He knows how unpopular he is. Were he to campaign in the constituency, he would be in danger of losing votes. Best leave the hard graft to people on the ground who can keep their distance from the Labour centre.
It’s election week. Though not as we know it.
