You be the judge: my partner is obsessed with our home’s water consumption. Should he stop?

3 hours ago 5

The prosecution: Winnie

Peter nags me not to flush the toilet after a wee, which is gross. I’m not up for being monitored

My boyfriend, Peter, is obsessed with monitoring our water consumption and it’s driving me insane.

It started innocently enough. One evening, he noticed our water bill was high. I shrugged it off, but he tried to get the water company to reduce the bill, and when he couldn’t, he became obsessive. Every night, he started going outside with his torch, checking the water meter, as if he were a security guard doing the rounds.

He’s now implemented these rules. Peter times my showers and nags me not to flush the toilet after a wee, which I think is gross. He’s forever sending me articles about the optimal shower length, or how many litres of water are used during a toilet flush. When I wash my hair, which takes time because it’s thick and curly, I hear Peter sigh loudly in the hallway. Afterwards, he says things like, “you probably used the weekly quota in there”, and “30 mins is 300 litres of water, you know”, while showing me the timer on his phone.

Who gets to decide the weekly quota? We’ve lived together for four years, and I’m not up for being monitored. Peter behaves as if we’re in a drought. He makes me reuse the water after I’ve boiled eggs. I don’t have a problem with that in theory, but it’s annoying always having a pan out – one time I knocked it over.

Peter also wants us to limit our dishwasher use – he only thinks we should use it after we’ve accumulated lots of pots and pans. I refuse. He also recently tried to show me a spreadsheet he’d made comparing the efficiency of different showerheads.

We live in an area where the water provider constantly puts up bills, and it makes Peter angry. I get it, but there’s not much we can do.

I respect sustainability, but Peter’s fixation feels invasive. I don’t tell him how long he can spend in the shower or running the tap when he brushes his teeth. Bills go up, that’s life. I just want to shower in peace without feeling as though I’m being observed by the water police.

The defence: Peter

Everyone lets these water firms do what they like. It’s time to fight back. So we need to cut our usage

Winnie may hate that I’m a little obsessed with water, but I’m not trying to be controlling. I just want to stop getting scammed by the water company and drowning in bills. It’s for both of us.

I’m an electrician and she’s an artist, so we aren’t rolling in money. So yes, I check the meter and make spreadsheets comparing showerheads, but it’s for the greater good. It’s not true that I time Winnie’s showers like a prison guard. I simply make a note if they go above 30 mins, because apparently 30 minutes in the shower can use up to 400 litres of water.

Winnie has started saving water from boiling eggs and I appreciate that. She did get annoyed when she knocked the pan on to the floor, but that shouldn’t be a reason not to save water. The bigger issue is that Winnie wants to run our dishwasher twice a day and flush the toilet after dropping a single tissue in it.

I’m just trying to fight back against a corrupt water company that keeps hiking our bills while paying dividends to shareholders. I’m a bit of an anarchist at heart, and said we should stop paying our bills and see what happens, but Winnie wouldn’t let me. The problem is that everyone just lets these companies do what they want. We need to fight back.

Winnie grew up in a posh part of the UK, whereas I had a more working-class upbringing. She loves long showers, having a cleaner and buying nice food. And that’s fine – so do I – but in order to afford lovely things, we need to get smart about saving money elsewhere.

We want to have kids, but we need to tighten our belts first – that includes using the dishwasher less and having shorter showers. I’ve tried to get us to agree on only loading the dishwasher once a day and taking shorter showers. Winnie sees these as punishments. But they’re small steps toward fiscal and environmental responsibility.

I’m not the villain here. I’m the partner trying to save money so she can have a nice life.

The jury of Guardian readers

Should Peter pipe down about the water?

Winnie has compromised by reusing the egg water. Perhaps she could also compromise on the dishwasher, but Peter won’t win against the water companies by being passive-aggressive to Winnie through the bathroom door. Let a woman shower in peace.
Jess, 28

Peter has translated “penny wise and pound foolish” into a plumbing context. Sure, the pennies he’ll save by counting the litres will add up. But will they be worth the damage he’s clearly doing to his relationship with Winnie? Life’s not measured out by the litre.
Richard, 38

I’m all for saving water but there must be ways to be creative about it without making your partner anxious. I suggest Peter joins a campaign to hold the water company to account as it will help him to feel he’s making a difference. Good on him for caring – but he needs to keep his relationship afloat.
Cate, 51

Peter has gone over the line from fiscal and environmental responsibility into controlling, intrusive behaviour. When they moved in together Winnie didn’t agree to these rules, and Peter shouldn’t have imposed them without discussion.
Evie, 40

We are in a climate crisis, and the sooner we realise that the better. Half-hour showers are excessive. Water is a finite resource that we need to use sparingly, and while studying showerheads may not be everyone’s cup of tea, mother nature needs more Peters.
Mark, 57