You be the judge: should my boyfriend change the way he showers?

2 hours ago 4

The prosecution: Audrey

Noah doesn’t wash himself thoroughly enough – he just rubs a bit of gel around his body

My boyfriend, Noah, doesn’t wash properly, but he thinks he does. I am Nigerian and grew up being told I must scrub my body thoroughly when I wash, otherwise I’m not clean. My sisters and I were encouraged to use exfoliating net sponges and proper soap to clean ourselves. Shower gel was banned in my house.

Noah, meanwhile, has a much more lax approach to hygiene. He doesn’t use soap, and will just pat a bit of shower gel around his body. We’ve been in a relationship for three years, but I first started noticing it nine months ago after we moved in together.

It all kicked off recently, though, when Noah came to my cousin Femi’s house for lunch. Noah, who is Scottish, asked Femi why there was a bucket in his bathroom. Femi explained that many Nigerians grow up having a bucket bath, where water is poured over you from a bucket while you bathe. It’s a very satisfying and thorough way of washing. Noah was amazed. I then made a few jokes about how badly he washes himself and I think he got embarrassed. But it seemed like an opportune time to bring it up.

Noah isn’t unclean – he just doesn’t wash adequately. There is no scrubbing, no real getting into the cracks and orifices: it’s just rubbing a bit of gel around and hoping for the best. He also doesn’t bend down to wash his feet. He says, “The water will find its way there.” I find it strange.

This lack of exfoliation is also not good for his skin. I bought him a net sponge to use in the shower, and he hasn’t used it. A couple of times I’ve watched him shower and expressed horror at his technique; other times I just leave him to it, because it’s weird to get annoyed with how your partner washes.

Noah always smells nice, but I just think he needs to be a little bit more thorough. He laughs at how long I take in the bathroom, but Black hair needs a lot of love, and I generally like showering. We have different needs, but I’d like to see him take on board some of my tried-and-tested tips.

The defence: Noah

I smell nice and I’m not unclean, so why does showering have to be like a full military operation?

Audrey did grow up with a very different approach to washing, and it’s true that I’ve learned more about exfoliation in my last three years with her than I had in the first 30 of my life. But while I’m grateful for her tips, I don’t want to be forced to change my ways if there’s no real problem.

As Audrey said, I smell nice, so it’s not like I’m unclean. “Different” doesn’t automatically mean “wrong”. Just because I don’t shower like I’m conducting a full military operation doesn’t mean I’m wandering around unwashed.

I shower daily and use shower gel, but for some reason Audrey thinks this isn’t good enough. Her standards are simply different: she spends up to an hour in the shower, sometimes longer if she has to do her full hair ritual. I support her, but I’m a shaved‑head, quick-shower kind of guy. I don’t need to be re-enacting a purification ritual every time I get back from the gym.

The bucket bath thing was really interesting and I was genuinely fascinated by the whole process, but Audrey did use the opportunity to make an example of how badly I wash in front of her family. I just laughed it off then, but now I realise she actually has a bit of an issue with the way I wash. Audrey can critique me all she wants, but maybe it’s better done in private.

Besides, I do wash my feet. I just don’t necessarily fold myself in half to scrub in between my toes. And yes, I let water run down my legs, because that’s how most people do it. The idea that “water will find its way” is not an excuse; it is simple physics. When you shower, the water and the shower gel runs all the way down your body. I don’t need to scrub my feet as well.

This isn’t about hygiene, it’s about technique. And technique is personal, cultural and varies wildly. I don’t mind learning hers. I just don’t want to be made to feel like I’m choosing chaos every time I step into the shower.

The jury of Guardian readers

Should Noah abandon his trickle‑down theory of washing?

Scrubbing isn’t necessary, and often we are far too clean, which may add to eczema, asthma or autoimmune issues in children. However, we must properly clean our feet. They are one of the smelliest parts of our body. They need to be soaped properly and filed often to avoid callouses or athlete’s foot. Some people’s trainers, flip-flops and Crocs in the gym look and smell revolting.
Ana, 51

As long as Noah is clean and doesn’t smell, he is fine. Maybe give your feet a wash now and again though, mate. If Audrey is upset, she should stop watching, grab a loofah and help out.
Alistair, 42

If Noah showers every day, and smells and looks clean, I’d say he’s clean. It isn’t as if he’s coming home from a shift down the pit and getting straight into bed. How would Audrey like it if he told her to hurry up in the shower or joked about hair rituals in front of his family?
Adam, 55

While personal hygiene is important, it’s a very personal matter. Audrey is somewhat extreme – and invasive – in her demands. On a side note, her public airing of Noah’s personal habits is a trust deal-breaker.
David, 73

Cultural issues aside, exfoliating every day is not necessary and isn’t really good as it damages the skin barrier. As long as Noah keeps his genitals clean, doesn’t smell and has no skin conditions, his personal hygiene seems perfectly adequate.
Friederike, 60