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Drinks: Australia trail by 159 with eight wickets remaining
A nice email here from my mum Robert Wilson.
Smiddy, you melancholy legend. The last couple of years I’ve watched you from afar, standing joyously firm against sledgers, whiners, and cavilling curmudgeons of all kinds. In cricket and footie, you’ve stood like the boy on the burning deck, defending flair, talent and entertainment against accountant-like haters delighting in the failings and flailings of gifted players. Brought many a tear to the eye as you doggedly reminded everyone of the even-in-hindsight unbelievable high points of the Bazball era.
And now you plop out this Eeyore preamble, defeated and tasting metallic in the mouth. Don’t tell me this series has rubbed out that adamantine little spark of fierce joy in you. We can’t do without it, Smiddy, we can’t. Lemme fight the good fight for you.
We’re all gonna die and life is often cruelly hard. But then there’s Test cricket. Head, Carey and Starc have been a delicious pleasure (Carey simply out of sight, a standard unseen for decades). Tongue has got something, Brook’s a laugh and I don’t think I’ve ever liked Root so much. The most bog standard Test match can bring you pleasures that make the dreary task of living more than bearable. My only quibble with this series is that it seems to have lasted 15 minutes. I could have taken ten matches of it with grateful glee.
Come back to us, man. You’re an aesthete and a seer. You know Bethell makes you feel all hot and trembly. You know it.
Look, mate.
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Thanks for such a sweet email (I think);
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While the preamble may have given the impression of a man who left his will to live in 2025, it’s just lack of sleep. I remain joie de vivre incarnate. And most importantly,
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I’ve still pencilled in a 7000-word beauty on this Test match ahead of the 2035-36 Ashes.
51st over: Australia 225-2 (Head 126, Neser 23) Neser. square drives Carse for another eye-catching boundary. He’s been the dominant partner in the last 20 minutes: after scoring 6 from his first 60 deliveries, Neser has hit 17 from the last 18.
“Neser has now faced more balls than Crawley and Duckett combined,” writes Nath Jones, “and I think that means it’s bedtime.”
Arf. He is, we should stress, a pretty good player: five first-class centuries, average of 21 in his short Test career. But yes, it’s definitely bedtime.
50th over: Australia 219-2 (Head 125, Neser 18) Head is dropped again, though this time there’s no blame attached to the fielder. It was a sensational effort from Carse at third man. Head backed away, Potts followed him and Head flashed an uppercut down towards the boundary. Carse charged in, got his left hand under the ball just above the ground but couldn’t hang on. It would have been one of the catches of the series.
Poor Potts continues to go the distance, with Neser lashing an emphatic boundary through extra cover. Potts has grisly figures of 11-0-84-0.
49th over: Australia 214-2 (Head 124, Neser 14) Carse, who along with Starc and Stokes is the only quick bowler to play all five Tests, is starting to work up a head of steam. But so is Neser, who gets four more with a fabulous back cut. It was a good ball from Carse, which cramped Neser for room, but he leaned back and deflected it wide of backward point. Lovely shot.
48th over: Australia 209-2 (Head 123, Neser 10) Neser slugs Potts over midwicket for four to move into double figures. This is fast becoming one of those days for England, and we haven’t even reached the first drinks break.
Head dropped by Jacks on 121
47th over: Australia 204-2 (Head 121, Neser 5) And with that, the wheels came off. Head clouts the new bowler Brydon Carse to deep midwicket, where the usually reliable Will Jacks drops a simple chance. He almost punched the ball for six as well.
Jacks was backpedalling towards the boundary sponge and that must have put him off. Even so, by modern standards it was a sitter.
“It’s a shame the Richies aren’t out in force today,” writes Peter in Bristol. “There is a strong chance that chew chew chew for chew is coming up!”
46th over: Australia 202-2 (Head 121, Neser 5) Head larrups Potts through extra cover, but this time there’s a man on the boundary so he only gets one run. Later in the over he walks miles outside off stump and drags the ball onto his body. He’s basically taking the pith out of Potts; in the previous Potts over he left the ball with an extravagant, almost disdainful flourish.
“It has to be Herzog doesn’t it?” says Ruth Purdue. “He would have to try and find the ‘truth’. Would it be a drama or a documentary though?”
I find it hard to tell them apart these days, particularly since watching our in-house documentary ‘Nathan Barley’.
45th over: Australia 200-2 (Head 120, Neser 4) A maiden from Stokes to Neser, who now has 4 not out from 52 balls. Anyone else getting flashbacks to Carl Rackemann in 1991?
“How many of this England team do you reckon will contest the 2027 Ashes? In theory it could be all of them,” says Max Williams. “I guess Crawley is uncertain and you’d hope another bowler or two is unearthed but I can’t see much turnover.
“Also, considering home advantage and the aging Australian core, would you consider England to be early favourites? I would’ve done if our bowling hadn’t been so poor!”
Naming the XI for a fixed point in the future is a mug’s game. And I am that mug. These are the best players in England right now, and they should all be around in June 2027, but experience tells us plenty will change in that time.
All things being equal I would certainly stick with Crawley, who has a better record against Australia’s best bowlers than most of his teammates. The bowlers are harder to call: I guess at this stage you’d have Tongue as a starter, Carse in the pool, Potts and Jacks further down the pecking order. And Ollie Bloody Robinson taking the new ball with Jofra Archer.
44th over: Australia 200-2 (Head 120, Neser 4) Matthew Potts replaces Josh Tongue. He had a horrible day yesterday, bowling seven overs for 58, and it doesn’t get any better when Head belts his first three deliveries for four.
Potts’ loosener was banjaxed over extra cover with contempt by Head, who then slashed an uppercut for four and whipped imperously through midwicket. It’s marvellous batting, a deliberate attempt to target a bowler who has little rhythm and even less confidence. Potts, theoretically England’s most accurate bowler, has figures of 8-0-72-0.
43rd over: Australia 186-2 (Head 106, Neser 4) From Noosa to Neser, who continues to ride his luck by fresh-airing two big drives off Stokes. “This is some of the best shadow batting I’ve ever seen,” deadpans Graeme Swann on commentary.
42nd over: Australia 184-2 (Head 105, Neser 4) “It has to be Francis Ford Coppola’s Bazball Now with the accompanying Jeetan Patel making-of doco Pints Of Darkness: An Ashes Apocalypse,” says Chris Paraskevas. “For those willing, there may be scope for a Bazball Redux including a deleted scene where Ian Botham hosts a mid-tour team-bonding/mental reprogramming session in Noosa.”
This is my favourite suggestion so far. But surely the Noosa trip would be directed bt the guy who did Dude, Where’s My Car?
41st over: Australia 182-2 (Head 105, Neser 2) This has been an excellent start for Australia. Stokes and Tongue have bowled well, with little luck, but it does feel like Australia – who bat very deep – could have some fun as the day progresses.
“The empty promise of huge amounts of action, stylistic shots with little point, and ultimately no real substance?” says Matt Dony. “Ladies and gentlemen, Michael Bay. Although, that’s specifically this Ashes tour. Not Bazball in general, which I am very much in support of…”
Maybe we need different directors for each act. David Lynch could do act one, in which Jonny Bairstow inspired all those surreal run-chases. Imagine what Lynch would have done with the ‘Jonathan Marc Bairstow’ speech at Trent Bridge.
40th over: Australia 180-2 (Head 104, Neser 1) Neser is beaten by successive deliveries from Tongue. He has 1 from 31 balls, and the 31 is more important than the 1. By the time Smith comes to the crease, Tongue and Stokes – England’s best bowlers – will be due a break.
“Obviously there are many factors vying for prominence in explaining the series outcome, and Australia’s generally superior bowling clearly features large,” says Brian Withington. “But for all that, one key difference is the fact that one left-handed (surprise) opener has massively outperformed whilst another (settled) has had a very disappointing tour indeed.”
A very fair point, especially given the speed at which Head and Ben Duckett score their runs. Travis Head, though: I don’t know whether other England fans feel this way but I think he’s my favourite Australian cricketer since Shane Warne. Forget the numbers – the important of his runs, and the manner in which he gets them, makes him an all-time great. I’d sell my soul to be injected with his mindset.
Travis Head's 12th Test century!
Australia’s main man pushes Tongue to the cover boundary to reach his 12th Test hundred, his third of the series and the ninth since his epiphany ahead of the 2021-22 Ashes. This one took just 105 balls and included 17 fours. And it has surely silenced the doubters who say Head only delivers in the really big games.
39th over: Australia 175-2 (Head 99, Neser 1) Head is getting ‘em in singles. He forces Stokes into the covers to move to 99, then Neser avoids a couple of sharp bouncers. He’s not scoring any runs but every over he survives will help the next batter Steve Smith.
He hasn’t faced a ball, sure, but Smith looks nailed on for a century today.
38th over: Australia 175-2 (Head 98, Neser 1) Head is beaten again, flashing at a back-of-a-length delivery from Tongue. A single to fine leg takes him to within two runs of where he wants to be, where we all want to be.
“Rob, when the inevitable movie about Bazball is made, which director should be entrusted with the chair?” wonders Kim Thonger.
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Christopher Nolan
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Wes Anderson
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Quentin Tarantino
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James Cameron
“I’m inclined to choose Tarantino. It seems like a natural sequel to Inglourious Bastards.”
I’ll chose Christopher Nolan, mainly because he’s the only one with a vague OBO connection: Jeremy Theobald, the lead in Nolan’s brilliant debut Following, was a regular back in the day.
37th over: Australia 174-2 (Head 97, Neser 1) It’s good to see Stokes continuing – you wondered whether he would complete his over from last night and then brings Potts or Carse on.
Head clips him through midwicket for four to move to 96, then bursts out laughing after being squared up by an utter jaffa from round the wicket. Stokes will be glad it missed the edge because it was a no-ball.
The next ball, a legal delivery, is a carbon copy that straightens past the outside edge. A whirling cut stroke takes Head to 97.
36th over: Australia 167-2 (Head 92, Neser 1) “It’s at least possible we’ll see the traditional England management shakeup after the Ashes,” says Ben Mimmack, “so who in the current squad do you think would welcome a change and who won’t? These are my guesses:
“(Like the) Status Quo: Crawley, Duckett, Stokes, Carse, Archer, Wood, Jacks, Atkinson, Fisher.
“(Tired of the) Cheap Trick: Bethell, Brook, Smith, Potts, Tongue, Bashir, Pope.
“(Doesn’t care because he’s) Mr. Big: Joe Root.
“I feel like some would have benefited from a change earlier (Pope) but several important names have moved into the change group on this tour (Bethell, Brook, Smith) which means things probably do need to change.
“What do you think?”
I haven’t had time to think! But it’s a very good question, upon which I’d like to dwell. I hope England give Brendon McCullum the chance to complete the regeneration of the 2023 team, but I suspect I’m in a minority on that.
Neser is not out! There’s a big spike on Snicko one frame after the ball passes the bat and at the same time the bat thumps into the ground. I’m pretty sure it’s the right decision but nobody knows for sure because of the leeway that is built into Snicko. Joe Root, for one, was sure thta Neser had hit the ground and edged the ball.
England review for caught behind against Neser Josh Tongue, the best of the England seamers not called Stokes on day two, opens the bowling. England think Neser has snicked a very full ball through to Jamie Smith. There was a noise, either bat on ground or bat on ball. I don’t think it was a bump ball.
35th over: Australia 166-2 (Head 91, Neser 1) Ben Stokes completes the over he began last night. The nightwatchman Neser almost drags a good delivery back onto the stumps. A maiden.
Incidentally Joe Root, who left the field with a back problem last night, is back on the field today.
“While I largely concur with your downbeat intro, I think 9/2 against an England win is, for once, generous,” says Gary Naylor. “Any kind of first-innings lead (getting Head out inside the first hour is critical) makes England favourites in my book. This pitch will be horrible in the fourth innings if Carse and co can find a fifth stump line slightly back of a length and England can catch. Yes, IF should be in bold capital italics, I know.”
Don’t forget Australia have Mitchell Starc batting at No10. I broadly agree, though; this pitch could be very unpleasant in the fourth innings.
The players are about to take the field for an extended first session that will last two and a half hours. If Travis Head is batting at lunch, Australia will be strapped into the box seat.
It’s Jane McGrath Day at the SCG, with everybody wearing pink in support of the McGrath Foundation. You can read about the Foundation’s commitment to cancer support or donate by clicking here.
Ali Martin
It was hard to know whether it was a message to Australia or his own bowlers. Ben Stokes signed off from a frustrating second evening in Sydney by swapping words out in the middle with Marnus Labuschagne. Seemingly reacting to something said by Labuschagne as the hosts made a rapid reply to England’s 384, Stokes was heard saying “shut the fuck up” at the end of the over he had just bowled. He then walked over and put an arm around his opponent’s shoulder to continue the exchange.
As the umpires, Ahsan Raza and Chris Gaffaney, moved in, Stokes walked away after giving Labuschagne a squeeze. As per the ICC code of conduct, the England captain could be reprimanded under clause 2.12 regarding “inappropriate physical contact”.
Geoff Lemon
When Shane Warne called his biography No Spin, it wasn’t a recommendation. Speaking for the dead is unacceptably presumptuous, but his record in life was loud and clear in backing his guild. Teams should always give themselves the option of spin bowling was his common contention.
Nor is allegiance of style the only factor. His old teammate Jason Gillespie, as pure a paceman as they come, had the same view watching the fifth Ashes Test in Sydney. “You need that variety,” he said on radio, shaking his head.
Australia didn’t have it. Instead, they had an innings of 97.3 overs with three specialist fast bowlers, a couple of curiously employed all-rounders and a sprinkle of part-time guff. They had an England innings that was allowed to pull away, with partnerships of 169, then 94, then 52, while Joe Root went on to his highest score in Australia of 160 and England their highest score of the series, 384.
It would have been helpful to turn to specialist spin when Root and Harry Brook were coasting on the first day. It would have been helpful to save Mitchell Starc from bowling a fourth spell. Or when Scott Boland was called back for the 71st and 73rd overs before taking the new ball in the 81st. Or when Beau Webster bowled a desultory over of off-spin, a garnish atop his few offerings of spongy medium pace. Those five overs were the total contribution asked of a man picked in a specialist bowling spot at No 8.
Preamble
Rob Smyth
Hello and welcome to live coverage of day three at the SCG. There’s a big first session comi- ah, I can’t be bothered. Sure, the first session will shape the rest of this match, and may tell us whether Travis Head is going to make a third matchwinning century of the series, but it’s impossible to escape the end-of-term feeling that has pervaded this Test so far.
We’re used to anticlimactic final Tests in an Ashes series, particularly when England play in Australia. This feels flatter than the rest, mainly there was such expectation ahead of the series. Two dead rubbers? It’s not what we thought, and it’s not what we pictured, when we were imagining the 2025-26 Ashes.
There isn’t even the jeopardy of a potential whitewash; the series will end either 4-1 or 3-2 to Australia. Right here, right now, 4-1 looks more likely. A poor bowling performance from England allowed Australia to charge to 166 for two, a deficit of 218, in only 34.1 runs. Travis Head is 91 not out from 87 balls; the nightwatchman Michael Neser has 1 from 15.
Neser was struck nastily on the elbow just before the close, a reminder that this pitch – though largely good for batting – is on the capricious side. If England, particularly Matthew Potts, find their length this morning they can force their way back into the game.
In the context of the match, this is a big first session. It’s just that the match isn’t as big as we hoped.
