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Born in Lancashire, Fiona Allen, 61, went to drama school in Salford. From 1999, she co-wrote and starred in the Emmy-winning and Bafta-nominated TV sketch show Smack the Pony. She had roles in Shameless, Skins, Waterloo Road and EastEnders, and her films include 24 Hour Party People, Fat Slags, Gladiatress and Finding Emily. In 2023, she took her show On the Run to the Edinburgh festival fringe and later toured the UK. This year, she performs White Lies at Edinburgh’s Gilded Balloon Teviot from 5 to 29 August. She is married with three children and lives in Berkshire.
What is your greatest fear?
My kids navigating the world as it is today – and daddy longlegs.
What is your earliest memory?
Nursery. I must have been about three. This little boy and me got these trikes and we went round and round, laughing. And then he went down the slide headfirst and I thought: “My hero.” We had a blast, but then they split us up and we weren’t allowed to play with each other.
What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Coldness, selfishness.
Aside from a property, what’s the most expensive thing you’ve bought?
A sports car. I was in my 20s; I’d fallen out with my boyfriend, so to cheer myself up I got myself a little silver and black Mazda and a matching jumper and jacket. And do you know what, it worked. I saw him do a double take.
What is your most treasured possession?
A little dibber from my dad that was from his grandad, a jewellery box from my mum, and my olive trees.
Describe yourself in three words
Passionate, gobby, flabby.
What do you most dislike about your appearance?
My resting face, because people say: “Don’t worry, it might never happen.” And I think: “What? I’m really happy.”
What is your most unappealing habit?
I’m like an excitable puppy when I’m chatting, and I butt in.
What is the worst thing anyone’s said to you?
The second agent I had said: “The thing is, you look like something but then you open your mouth.” So I got myself a sketch show and left, and she lost out.
What do you owe your parents?
So many apologies.
What did you dream about last night?
I was Boudicca driving a chariot into Waitrose car park.
If not yourself, who would you most like to be?
My cockapoo, Herbert. He has a great, carefree life and tremendous eyelashes.
What or who is the greatest love of your life?
My dog – sorry, my family.
Which living person do you most despise, and why?
Amoral tech bros.
What is the closest you’ve come to death?
I think I had a close shave with the taxi driver John Worboys. I was in Soho and going back to Chiswick where I lived, and I got a black cab. This guy wouldn’t stop talking and he offered me champagne, and I said: “I don’t like champagne.” It went a bit quiet and I thought I’d offended him. Then I remember going: “Hang on a minute, you shouldn’t be drinking champagne if you’re driving.” And he said: “I’ve just won the lottery and I’m finished after this.” I had a lucky escape.
What do you consider your greatest achievement?
Growing three brains.
How would you like to be remembered?
She was surprisingly good at the harpsichord.
