6 hours ago
6
There’s something weird going on in Westminster. A mutant pathogen in the water maybe. Whatever it is, Keir Starmer and Kemi Badenoch appear to have been struck down by it.
Both have had parts of their memory wiped. At times they now sound like the living dead. Keir can’t remember a thing about Peter Mandelson. And Kemi is a total blank when it comes to the Iran war. It’s hard to know which is worse. Keir at least has only forgotten what happened a year ago, so he can more or less have a half-life in the real world. Meanwhile, Kemi has no idea what happened last week. Or even yesterday. She is condemned to live in a permanent present.
All of which made prime minister’s questions a near pointless exercise, with Starmer and Badenoch talking past one another. Questions got asked but not answered. Two competing forms of amnesia battling to find a voice. It was just Starmer’s bad luck that Kemi couldn’t remember what she was supposed to be doing and kept asking about something he had no idea about. They might as well have been speaking in tongues.
You’d have thought that Kemi would have wanted to use her six questions to ask about the US war with Iran. After all, the crisis has dominated the news cycle for the past three weeks and may well have a massive impact on the economies of almost every country. Stories don’t get much bigger than this. A time when, in the past, politicians of all parties come together in the national interest.
And it just so happened that Kemi had been talking about the war only the day before, when she had described Donald Trump’s insults about Starmer as childish. Something that had raised a few eyebrows. Not to mention sniggers. Pots and kettles. After all, Kemi’s stock in trade at previous PMQs has been childish insults. Like watching a five-year-old have a meltdown. But sadly Kemi can no longer remember yesterday. Every day is a new beginning.
So instead, Kemi chose to ask about Mandelson. Maybe the prime minister would like to be a bit more forthcoming about what he knew and when. He had said that Mandy had lied to him, so could he actually confirm whether he had spoken to him before the appointment was confirmed? In which case, what did they say?
Sad face. Keir couldn’t confirm anything. Nor could he be more forthcoming. Obviously he would have loved to be able to help out. He was there to serve. But there was a hole in his memory where Mandy used to be. He was sure the process had been properly observed. It was just that he now realised that the process itself was flawed. All of which was a long way of saying precisely nothing.
This wasn’t the best of looks for Keir. Failing to answer a straightforward question tends to make you look shifty and evasive. But if you can genuinely not remember a thing then it’s hardly your fault. Every prime minister is prone to memory lapses.
But then he chose to go on the attack. Look, he said. I may remember nothing about Mandelson, but at least I can remember the war. Kemi looked totally blank. What war, she whispered. The one in which you were initially in favour of joining the US in bombing Iran. The war you subsequently realised was deeply unpopular with all Nato allies and the British public.
Then Starmer turned the screw still further. How come the leader of the opposition hadn’t sacked her shadow justice secretary, Nick Timothy? I mean, she could have fired him just for being hopelessly quarter-witted. But more specifically, why hadn’t she got rid of him for his tweet saying how disturbed he had been by the sight of Muslims praying together in Trafalgar Square. An act of cultural and religious domination. Even Tommy Robinson had said that if Timothy had made these comments two years ago he would have been sacked.
Timmy didn’t mention people of other faiths praying in public. Christians, Jews, Hindus. Presumably all fine. It was just the sight of Muslims praying that had stuck in his throat. Still, at least he had the support of Reform’s Sarah Pochin. Sarah can’t help herself throwing up if she sees too many black or brown faces in one place. It’s not her fault. It’s a medical condition. Apparently.
Nor was Kemi backing down. She too was right behind her shadow justice secretary. He had merely been defending “British values”. Mmm. A very niche version of British values. The home of the more racist parts of Reform. The childish, five-year-old Kemi was back. Chasing any extreme rightwing trend on X.
The rest of the exchanges were much the same. Two inadequate memories constantly missing one another. Kemi said Mandelson. Keir said the war and Timothy. It was enough to make you want to scream. Parliament at its worst. A session to forget. Though Keir may think it could have gone infinitely worse. Kemi defending Timothy had been a big bonus.
You may also have wondered if Nigel Farage had also been struck down with amnesia. But for him the jury is out because it’s equally possible he chooses his questions from those emailed to him and is using the occasion to knock out another Cameo video for the punters. Another 70-odd quid in the bank. Kerching.
Nige wanted to know what the government was doing to prevent an energy cost of living crisis. Starmer had to point out that only a few weeks ago Farage had been all for escalating the war that was causing a global oil shortage. Nige didn’t listen to the answer. He had his clip for the socials. On to the next Cameo message.
We ended with a couple of points of order from Tories outraged that Starmer had avoided answering every question from Kemi. They went nowhere. It was always thus. Boris Johnson never answered a direct question in his life. And the Tories loved him for it. Let’s face it. When your memory is shot, your memory is shot. There’s no coming back.
