5 hours ago
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Here’s a thought: try to name a former Conservative MP that Nigel Farage wouldn’t accept as a member of Reform. OK, he might draw the line at Liz Truss on the grounds she is a danger to everyone. Especially herself. And Boris Johnson might be a problem. Not just as a clash of competing egos but because the immigration Boriswave might be a hard sell to Nige’s core supporters.
But those two aside, it seems that anyone is welcome. Bring Nige the deadbeats, the shifty and the disgraced and he will offer them shelter. Will make then whole. Help them to reinvent themselves as frontline politicians once more. Or as close as they are ever likely to get. So step forward Nadhim Zahawi, the latest – and certainly the highest-profile – member of the Living Dead Tories to sell his soul for a glimpse of a second chance. To join the ranks of the Immortals, such as Andrea Jenkyns, Jake Berry, Danny Kruger and Lee Anderson.
Let’s quickly run through some of Nadhim’s career highlights. A successful businessman turned Tory politician who thought it was just fine to claim the heating for his stables on parliamentary expenses. Because what MP in his right mind wouldn’t think that was a perfectly reasonable thing to do? The man who was appointed chancellor by Boris after the resignation of Rishi Sunak, only to call on him to step down less than 48 hours later once he had seen which way the wind was blowing. Loyalty etched deep into his veins.
A man of exquisite judgement. A backer of Truss and then Boris again. Only to jump ship to Rishi once he saw his career passing before his eyes. Sacked as chair of the Tory party for having forgotten to mention he was being investigated over a £5m unpaid tax bill – the settlement included a 30% fine, which suggests this was not just carelessness – when he was in charge of the Treasury. No conflict of interest or breach of the ministerial code there. The MP who lost his seat in 2024 and, according to Tory sources, had sought a peerage from Kemi Badenoch only a few weeks ago. For services to sublime self-interest.
Not that Farage was bothered by any of this as he unveiled his latest defector at a Monday morning press conference at the Institute of Directors in central London. Nige is never one to turn his nose up at low-hanging fruit. The more disruption and pain he can inflict on the Tories the better. And he can live with accusations that Reform is becoming a convalescent home for former Conservatives whose political careers had reached a dead end. The more Tories he takes, the less his party looks entirely like a one-man band. Nige reckons you can never have too many rats leaving a sinking ship. They provide their own momentum.
Nige was almost protective as he introduced his latest signing. Keen for his man not to get a kicking. For his part, Nadhim seemed blissfully unaware of just how absurd he sounded. Britain was on its last legs, he said. Cometh the hour, cometh the man. What is it with former Tory MPs especially? Their self-delusion is absolute. Zahawi didn’t even register the irony that he had been a key member of the very government responsible for wrecking the economy.
You could see the glow in Zahawi. The self-importance. Back in front of the TV cameras for the first time in over 18 months. Suddenly, he could kid himself that he mattered again. That he was doing the country a favour. Top of the world. He was to be our saviour. All we had to do was to show him a little respect. Some gratitude for all he had done. Surely everyone of his immense calibre deserved a peerage. Nige jotted that down in his things-to-do notebook.
It had been like this, said Zahawi. In December he had let his Tory membership lapse. Nothing to do with being turned down for a peerage. Definitely not that. So he had picked up the phone to Nige to offer his services. What the country needed now was more Nadhim. In his own mind he had always been the most popular Tory minister to have lived. Now he was going to bless us once more. He was the man with so much more to give. Even if none of us really wanted him.
Inevitably many of the questions focused on previous comments that Zahawi had made about Farage. A tweet from 2015 in which he had pointed out that Nige only offered division and that he could never live in a country run by Farage. The observation that under Reform’s current immigration proposals, Zahawi’s family would have been deported on arrival into the country.
Nadhim shook his head sadly. He had known Nige for all of 10 minutes and could tell there wasn’t a racist bone in his body. All was forgiven. Farage agreed. The fact that there were now 34 former Dulwich pupils alleging racist abuse only went to prove he couldn’t possibly be racist. If there had been just one, then maybe there might have been substance to the allegations. But because so many had said the same thing, it automatically meant they were all meaningless. It was hard to keep track of the logic. Only Nadhim did. “Coffee is racist,” he observed gnomically.
Was he at all troubled that, as the former minister for vaccinations during the pandemic, Reform had given a platform to a medic who had said the king’s cancer had been caused by the Covid vaccine? Nige thought it best to answer that one. Reform believed in free speech. There was nothing wrong with that. Other parties should try it. Which is why he wasn’t that fussed about Grok AI being available as a premium porn service on X. Live and let live.
By the time we got on to his tax affairs, the thin-skinned Nadhim began to get a bit tetchy. It had just been an oversight. Why did people keep bringing up the past? He even picked on a Daily Telegraph – normally considered home team by Reform – journalist for “asking a stupid question”. “I expected better of you,” he snapped. Only the question about vaccines had been perfectly reasonable. Nige put an arm round his man. He had had enough. The peerage was in the post. Just as soon as it was his to give.
