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Lucy Mangan’s Guardian review of Kim Kardashian’s new Disney+ legal drama All’s Fair was something of a rarity. Not necessarily because she didn’t care for it – the scorn has been universal – but because she gave it zero stars.
Not two, the score you give something you want to write off as too mediocre to break sweat over. Not one, which is what you give something if you want to make the people who made it wince. Zero stars. All’s Fair, according to this newspaper, is a product entirely devoid of discernible worth. In the entire 204-year-old history of this publication, only 15 zero-star reviews have ever been written, and All’s Fair is so unremittingly awful it got one of them. These are the other 14, presented here as the Guardian’s Mount Rushmore of crap.
Boat Trip, film review, 2002
A notorious Cuba Gooding Jr comedy, and the first zero-star recipient in the history of this newspaper.
What we said Peter Bradshaw wrote: “Even the direst of recent teen-smut films have had a puppyish energy and an eagerness to please. But this? With its dated, clueless, unintentionally offensive gags about Swedish bimbos, like something from The Producers, only minus the laughs, it’s just living death.”
Was it justified? Five years previously, Cuba Gooding Jr won an Oscar for his role in Jerry Maguire. Boat Trip was nominated for two Razzie awards and is widely thought to have negatively impacted his career.
Fame Academy Live, concert review, 2003
The seal well and truly broken, it took only six months for another review to reach the same giddy depths – this time for a live concert spin-off of a BBC talent show.
What we said Alexis Petridis wrote: “This concert could be no more efficient in parting parents from their cash if the Fame Academy students leapt from the stage and started snatching wallets at knifepoint.”
Was it justified? Fame Academy limped on for a second series after this, before being axed.
The Vines, concert review, 2003
Just a week after the Fame Academy concert we gave a third zero-star review, as a then red-hot Australian rock band took to the stage of the Astoria in London.
What we said David Peschek wrote: “[Singer Craig] Nicholls is cast as the tortured lightning rod for a generation’s pain, so he sprawls on the floor and screams into the mic almost constantly. But this is not pain, it is a simulacrum of pain offering neither visceral thrills, insight, poetry nor catharsis. It is like watching a tantrum.”
Was it justified? The band have released a further six albums since their 2002 debut, none of which captured the public imagination like they did in their early-00s heyday.
Big and Rich, Horse of a Different Color, album review, 2004
A country album by a duo comprising singer Big Kenny and the bassist from Lonestar, featuring songs such as Kick My Ass and Save a Horse (Ride a Cowboy). The only album ever given zero stars by the Guardian.
What we said David Peschek (again) wrote: “Like the Bush twins at the MTV awards, this is arch-conservatism in a half-hearted search for cool. Big? Almost certainly and hence, quite probably, rich too. Not, by any means, clever.”
Was it justified? Big and Rich won a Billboard Music award in the same year as this review; they have since been nominated for three Grammys and 17 Academy of Country Music awards.
Martin Creed, concert review, 2004
A gig by the British artist who had won the Turner prize three years previously.
What we said Alexis Petridis (again) wrote: “This show is provocative only in that it seems less like a gig than an experiment to see how charmless and pleased with himself a man can appear before the audience storm the stage and physically attack him.”
Was it justified? In 2017, Lyn Gardner reviewed another of Creed’s concerts for the Guardian. She awarded it four stars and called it “endearing, exposing, ticklish and so totally unassuming that it’s hard to resist”.
Oscar Wilde, theatre review, 2004
One week later, equalling the record set the year previously, came a zero-star review of a play written by former Radio 1 DJ Mike Read.
What we said Elisabeth Mahoney wrote: “The radio microphones, especially that of Peter Blake playing Oscar, are giving out only horribly patchy sound. We hear cast members speaking off stage. We endure duets where one singer is at full volume, while the other has no amplification at all. As this grim evening continues, you begin to wonder whether the sound system is being affected by the hefty rumbling of Oscar Wilde turning in his grave.”
Was it justified? Oscar Wilde closed after this, its debut performance. That makes it far less successful than Cliff, Read’s 2003 musical about Cliff Richards, which ran for three full months.
X Factor Live, concert review, 2005
The following year, the Guardian reviewed a live version of the first series of ITV talent show The X Factor.
What we said Helen Pidd wrote: “There are few experiences in cultural life that can shake one’s faith in the basic good of humanity, but sitting among 10,000 free-willed citizens who have paid £23.50 to watch blood-draining, pulse-stopping karaoke just about does it.”
Was it justified? The X Factor’s television audience would increase to a peak of 19.4 million viewers by 2010, before contracting until it was axed in 2018.
Peter Pan el Musical, theatre review, 2008
After a three-year zero-star absence, along came a Spanish-language retelling of JM Barrie’s beloved book, presented with English subtitles.
What we said Lyn Gardner wrote: “The show’s publicity proudly announces that one million Spaniards have seen this show, which just goes to prove that there is no accounting for statistics.”
Was it justified? The musical ran in the UK for 36 performances. None of the British reviews were particularly kind.
It Had to Be You, theatre review, 2010
After a two-year gap came a revival of Renée Taylor and Joe Bologna’s 1981 romantic comedy.
What we said Lyn Gardner (again) wrote: “‘I have no talent,’ cries Vito as he considers giving up his career and becoming a full-time writer. It’s clearly not going to stop him or the deluded Theda, and it clearly didn’t stop the writers of this painfully contrived piece of wish-fulfilment.”
Was it justified? The play is still being performed around the world today, although reviews tend to be mixed.
Valkee 2, technology review, 2014
Four years later, a first: the only zero-star technology review doled out by the Guardian, for a device that claimed to cure seasonal affective disorder by shining light into your ear canals.
What we said Samuel Gibbs wrote: “None of the peer-reviewed studies listed in Valkee’s ‘science summary’ appears to be conducted without a conflict of interest with the company that produces the light headsets, having at least one of Valkee’s founders on each of the research teams.”
Was it justified? Valkee filed for bankruptcy in 2021.
The Greasy Strangler, film review, 2016
Almost a decade and a half after Peter Bradshaw awarded a film zero stars, a second contender enters: an American comedy horror directed by Jim Hosking.
What we said Wendy Ide wrote for the Observer: “This aggressively inane horror comedy manages to cram in every disgusting, deviant activity you couldn’t begin to imagine. And yet, it’s still rather boring.”
Was it justified? Jordan Hoffman also reviewed The Greasy Strangler in this newspaper, and described it as a “relentless monstrosity of a film … rife with fetishised cellulite, disgusting food and firehose penises.” He awarded it four stars.
Love Island, TV review, 2021
The seventh season of ITV’s juggernaut reality show, and the second to be broadcast following the death of its original host, Caroline Flack.
What we said Lucy Mangan wrote: “I hate myself as much as I love Faye, Kaz and Hugo and love it as much as I hate the rest and the whole retrograde stink of it.”
Was it justified? Love Island is still being broadcast, although it attracts half the audience it did in 2021.
Sex: Unzipped, TV review, 2021
Netflix’s “celebration of sexual health and positivity”, hosted by rapper Saweetie and featuring Romesh Ranganathan, Katherine Ryan and some puppets.
What we said Lucy Mangan (again) wrote: “Saweetie is, especially for someone used to performing … uncomfortable, self-conscious and with a relentlessly flat delivery – it’s quite agonising. Perhaps she would be better off without the sex-positive puppets?”
Was it justified? Sex: Unzipped has a 60% Rotten Tomatoes rating. It has not been renewed.
Buying London, TV review, 2024
A UK-based spin-off of Netflix’s Selling Sunset, following a band of high-end British estate agents.
What we said Rebecca Nicholson wrote: “I hate that it makes Richard Curtis’s film Notting Hill look like a gritty documentary about the mean streets of London. I hate its England-for-dummies shtick that is clearly pitched at an international market. I hate its reverence for billionaires and bad taste, its celebrity name-dropping without actual celebrities, even the lurching drone footage that seems to have been shot by the Red Arrows.”
Was it justified? Buying London has a 14% Rotten Tomatoes rating. It has not been renewed.
