14 hours ago
6
Now is the time of year some of my clients want to talk about Christmas.
As a specialist in addiction, many are seeking my help for their drinking.
Christmas can be synonymous with alcohol. For clients looking to get sober, reflecting on what a sober Christmas might look like, and whether it’s even possible to achieve, is important.
One client, Peter*, was planning to host 20 relatives for Christmas. Traditionally his family drink from breakfast until bedtime on Christmas Day. Peter was feeling anxious about what they might say if he stuck to soft drinks. He feared being pressed to have alcohol or becoming the butt of everyone’s jokes. Even worse, he dreaded feeling left out of the fun and spending Christmas Day feeling ashamed and sorry for himself.
Peter’s concerns are common. But people who struggle with alcohol, contrary to expectations, usually find Christmas far more enjoyable if they stay sober. That’s because a hallmark of alcoholism is its unpredictability: there are no guarantees of what consequences may follow a drink. Not usually a recipe for a merry Christmas.
But with some careful thought and planning, anyone should be able to enjoy Christmas in a way that works really well.
Peter and I began by examining the gap between his fantasy of how Christmas should be celebrated and the reality of his actual Christmas celebrations in years past.
Part of Peter’s fantasy was that everyone in his family would get along well and have fun together on Christmas Day. The reality, however, was that his family invariably pick fights with each other, especially a few drinks in, and find fault with his cooking, his home and the way he is raising his young kids.
Peter also fantasised that he would be able to buy all the presents, pay for all the extra food and not lose sleep over spending money he couldn’t afford. But in reality, he usually ends up in debt by January, and this causes him a lot of stress and worry.
Most importantly, Peter dreams he will be able to drink a glass or two of champagne and have one beer with lunch. In reality, he keeps on drinking until his wife is annoyed with him and he has grown angry enough to let off steam by telling one of his relatives what he really thinks of them. This embarrasses his children, who enjoy spending time with their cousins.
Peter and I began to focus on what a relaxing and special Christmas could be, if it was tailor-made just for him. It turned out that this featured neither his relatives nor alcohol. For him, it was a simple picnic with his wife and his kids by the water, accompanied by one gift each that would be really special to the person who received it, a film and an early night. For Peter, this plan felt manageable and promised a sense of closeness and back-to-basics values that really mean something to him.
Peter has since bravely called his relatives and told them that he will not be hosting them after all.
He was anxious about prioritising himself and what he needed to do to stay sober. He was used to acting in a way he thought would please everyone else. But Peter was pleasantly surprised. His brother confided in him that he too dislikes the pressure of big family get-togethers and was glad of the chance to do something different. He even expressed his support for Peter trying to get sober, and they quietly wondered which other family members could maybe benefit from doing the same.
Christmas can be difficult. Not because of a lack of alcohol, but because of the relationship dynamics involved in bringing it all together. If you’ve decided that drinking isn’t for you this year, then keeping things real may help keep you sober.
*Name and some other details have been changed to protect client confidentiality
